Professor rants Part 1: Szromba and staplers


Jazmyne Thomson, Writer

These next few weeks, we have a treat in store for you. This multi-part edition of The Sabre Voice will contain rants from a variety of featured professors. Our hope is that students, as well as professors, have a bit of fun with this and take each rant with a grain of salt. We hope you enjoy the different rants brought to you by some of your favorite professors!

The professor for this first week’s spotlight is none other than Dr. Matthew Szromba. You might know Dr. Szromba from taking his World Civilizations class, or perhaps you remember him as the previous co-director of the honors program. There is no debate that Dr. Szromba is a memorable person, whether it be from his man-crush on Martin Luther or his newly grown beard (be sure to ask him about it)For those of you who have not taken his class, you may have not been so lucky as to hear his talk about the investment of a lifetime the stapler.

During his interview, Dr. Szromba explained that he grades hundreds upon hundreds of student papers every semester. While this is a very time-consuming process in itself, it becomes a problem when students turn in their papers unstapled. This leads to the possibility of a page of an essay going missing, creating a headache for him as well as the student who lost part of their paper.  

He then went on to explain, “The good news is that you can go to a place like the university bookstore or Walmart and get yourself a brand new, state of the art stapler for as little as seven dollars and ninety-nine cents.”  

He also described how the benefits of purchasing a stapler get even better. Anyone can go out and buy a box of about one thousand staples for the low cost of two dollars. Szromba explained how that number of staples may, “…Last you years, maybe a decade or more… For as little as ten dollars, you can staple all you want.” Not only are staplers and staples affordable, but he went even further to explain more benefits of purchasing a stapler. “The news gets even better in that you will never, ever in your life have to upgrade your stapler. Stapler technology has not changed in seventy-five years. You will never have to upgrade your stapler because there is no stapler out there with new features… So it might be the first and last stapler that you ever buy.” 

With all these benefits in mind, why wouldn’t you want to buy a stapler? They’re easily accessible, affordable, and would save much stress for Dr. Szromba, as well as many other professorsIn the wise words of Dr. Szromba, “Students…go buy yourself a stapler.”